Questions and Answers

Tonight at church, several people got up and gave testimonies about what God has done and is doing in their lives. The two main things I heard that really stuck in my mind were 1) God seems to talk to these people. Why do I rarely hear him anymore? and 2) Why does God not save us from really painful, destructive situations sometimes?

I’ve been struggling with sinus problems most of my life. My sinuses never formed right when I was a child, and that has caused chronic pain and health problems all of my adult life. After three surgeries several years ago and exhausting every other treatment Western medicine has to offer, I’m still sick. 

And my sinus problems have gotten worse in the past few months. When I'm inside, my sinuses swell and I have lots of drainage down my throat. So, I've never been able to live in a place where I could spend long stretches of time inside because it would make me sick. Because of that, I've not felt truly at home anywhere I've lived since I was a child.

I’ve gone through a cycle of emotions – being mad at God, doubting if he really cares about me at all, believing that he’s going to heal me instantaneously, etc. Regardless, I’m still sick and I honestly don’t see how that’s going to change.

Somehow, maybe out of sheer frustration towards God, I’ve been going to a church where I knew a few people. There I’m finding a place that feels more like home than anyplace (not just a church, but anyplace) I’ve been in years. The way the people there treat me is making me feel known, appreciated, accepted for exactly who I am – the good and the bad, the smiles and the intense struggles.

So tonight, after the three people had given their testimonies and the worship band was starting to play, I was sitting in my chair looking at the floor thinking about all this. I wasn’t praying. I was just asking myself, Why won’t God heal me? I just don't understand.

Then I heard God say, If you weren’t broken, you wouldn’t be here.

Tears came to my eyes. For years I’ve struggled with loneliness and faithfulness to God and finding Christian friends who I connect with. And now he’s blessing me with those very things. And if I wasn’t sick and broken and knowing I need healing and answers for my physical problems, I wouldn’t have been there. I wouldn’t have opened my heart or my mind to receiving a blessing from God.

The Bible verse comes to mind that says “What do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?” I am suffering physically—for now at least—but that may be the very thing that has saved my soul.