Some Kind of Sign

Sometimes I really need to know that I’m doing things right. That I’m living this life the way I’m supposed to be. Usually, I’m fairly confident that I am, but sometimes – like now – I begin to wonder. I’ve had that restless feeling for a few months now that tells me it’s time for the next step in my life. But in multiple ways, I feel like I’m trying to put one foot in front of the other while I’m buried waist deep in sand. I’m putting forth lots of effort, but it’s slow going…and I’m getting exhausted.

Is it ok to just stop for a while? To just take a rest and try to be content even when my drive an ambition screams at me to keep pushing? Over the past year, I’ve reawakened part of my personality: the drill sergeant. He’s tough and ruthless and does not want to hear any of your (my) crybaby excuses. When something hurts, I hear him in my head: “What? Are you just gonna quit? Suck it up!” When I’m feeling sad I hear him: “Do you think the world is gonna stop for your pity party? No! Buck up and quit being a pansy.” My inner drill sergeant has helped me out so much – from getting work done to sticking with friends in tough situations to getting through workouts I never would have been able to do before. But the problem is, I don’t know when to tell him to shut up so I can take a break.

So I keep working hard and putting myself out there. But things just don’t seem to be clicking. Something’s not falling into place. God, can’t you just give me some kind of sign? Can’t you just let me know if I’m doing this right?

"Smile and See" from Plan for Landing's 2004 EP